- Hi, honey. - Can't talk. On a roll.
- Well, you could at least say hello. - Hello. Can't talk. On a roll.
No, it's just that when somebody interrupts your concentration,
you know, like now, you may never get it back. You know, like now.
But... But family comes first.
Hey. Did you have a good time visiting Mom at the hospital?
- I don't wanna talk about it. - Thank you, Cate.
I almost missed out on that.
Yeah, she came to meet me for lunch
and I made the mistake of taking her on a tour.
I saw kids who were hospitalized for malnutrition
after we gorged ourselves in the cafeteria.
I had a salad.
With dressing on the side. Honest.
- The world sucks. - Here, oh dark one.
The hospital is doing something to fight child hunger:
The Great American Bake Sale.
Great idea. Then later, we can create world peace with a kissing booth.
And your sarcasm feeds people how?
"Share Our Strength is a leading relief organization
committed to ending hunger and poverty."
- With a bake sale? - Lots of bake sales.
All over the country. And all the money goes to feed needy kids.
Oh. That's cool.
Anybody smell smoke? 'Cause Daddy's on fire.
Hey, everybody.
- Kyle? Bridget? You're together? - No. It's just temporary.
We're together for the sake of our baby.
Whoa.
Fire's out. Somebody explain. Fast. Now. What, what, what, what?
We got paired to do this assignment in health class.
We have to take care of this stupid flour sack baby.
Say hello to the newest member of the Hennessy family...
- Baby H. - What?
Oh, yeah! It's to teach girls what it's like to be a teen mom,
- and boys what it's like to be a dad. - Exactly. See ya.
Let me see it.
Pale, doughy, built low to the ground.
At least he's Irish.
How long you have to take care of the tyke?
Forever. A week. It's not a tyke. It's an ingredient.
Oh, look, he's enriched. My side of the family, Cate.
Bridgie, this is gonna be good for you.
To see how hard it is to take care of the baby your father and I pray
- you won't have for years. - No. This is worse than a baby.
We have to feed it, change its diapers, basically do everything for it.
Whereas, a real baby, you can pretty much leave in a pasture.
You were such helpless little bundles of love when you were babies.
- You couldn't walk, talk... - Spare the trip down memory lane.
Couldn't talk back.
This is ridiculous. How am I supposed to raise a bag of flour?
Add yeast.
- Bridget! Don't manhandle the baby! - Yeah, and I am not cleaning that up.
Wait. You have to sign this slip that says you'll supervise me
and make sure I do everything. Blah, blah, blah, blah,
because Mrs. Rule wants you to spy on me. She's a total perv,
and she wears old lady glasses and those shoes like Mom's.
The good thing is it's an easy A and helps me qualify for my trip
- to Washington when I'm a senior. - That trip is cool.
Yeah, I know. Rachel Dunleavy even got mono on it last year.
What's wrong with my shoes?
Two AM feedings? Four AM... We have to supervise all this?
You know, I work long hours. They're comfortable.
It's the honor system. Check the boxes and say I did everything.
I get an A and you sleep. Win-win.
Absolutely not, Bridget. This exercise will hopefully...
- Teach me responsibility? - Scare the hell out of you!
And we are not gonna let you flake on this. Right, Paul?
Two AM feedings? I need my eight hours, Cate.
You know, honey, you don't have to do it,
because I'm sure that Kyle would be happy to come over here at 2:00
in the morning, go in Bridget's room and wake her up.
- It'd be like old times. - I'm in.
OK, I officially hate parenting.
- Mommy have a couple of rough days? - Don't even joke.
I'm exhausted, I'm weak and I have a pre-zit.
Pre-zit? You look like a Dalmatian.
Hey, there's my little guy.
Are you a good baby brother? Yes, you are!
I got your nose!
It doesn't have a nose! And stop fawning over it like it's real.
It's just nice not to be the youngest for a change.
Welcome to middle-childhood. It's a picnic.
You're right. I'm feeling neurotic and ignored already.
I think I need to go cry for no apparent reason.
- Shut up. - [Paul] OK, everybody,
I really have to finish my column. Nobody distract... Is that pound cake?
It's not for you. It's for the Great American Bake Sale.
- Kerry got her whole school to sign up. - They're really into it.
They haven't been this excited since Name the Drug Dog.
- Dad, you should get involved. - I am. I was gonna eat the pound cake.
[grunts]
Come on, little guy. Let's get out of here. Baking's for girls.
That's the dumbest thing I've heard you say.
Some of the world's greatest chefs are men.
So's half the Ice Capades.
- Grab an apron! - Oh, man.
Hey, is that Banky?
That's the little blanket you all used when you were babies. Oh, I love...
It still has baby smell on it, I love the baby smell.
- You also love the smell of fertilizer. - That was one of my best columns.
- OK, I'm going back to bed. - Bridget, you forgot your child.
God, I hate this! I have no life. I'm in hell!
Boy, that takes me back.
- You don't mean that. - Yes, I do.
I hate men for doing this. I'm never going near another man again!
Alrighty, then.
- [alarm clock beeping] - [groaning]
Honey. Honey.
Well, this is a pleasant surprise.
Yeah, it would be, but it's 2:00. It's time for Bridget to feed her baby.
[groans]
Remember when you used to do that? You were so good.
So much better than I was. I was terrible.
Well, nice try. I did my time. Go.
OK, but when I get back, no pleasant surprises for you...
...unless you really want to.
Bridget, no, honey. You have to test it on your wrist first.
Ow! Ow, ow, ow!
Maybe you should shake it a little.
I can't. I'm sleepy. And, oh, yeah, I don't care.
Honey, it's on your checklist, along with burping and rocking it to sleep.
Look, you got another tear. And the seal is completely undone.
You gotta take better care of this little fellow.
Dad, let's look at the big picture here. It's health class.
OK, come on. Help me tape him up.
[oven timer chimes]
- Care Bear, you're baking now? - Yeah. Bake sale's this weekend.
You see that? That is commitment.
It's the middle of the night and Kerry is wide awake.
Daddy, are you saying Kerry's on drugs?
Bridget, stop it!
Come on. Find some tape. All right, your baby had a stinky.
[Bridget] Vile. Can't we just put it on the black market and I'll take a D?
Did you look for it? It's the drawer with the tape measure.
What drawer is that? Your mother changes 'em once a week.
It's like the launch codes. God!
- Oh, man. - What? I didn't do anything.
No, no, I'm just thinking how much this reminds me
of when I would stay up late nights with you guys.
[both] Aww.
- Changing your diapers. - [both] Eww.
- Bathing you in the sink. - Stop.
This flour reminds me of powdering your little bottoms.
- Gross! - Stop it!
Bridget, you forgot...
Is this baby losing weight?
OK, don't panic, but I think I lost my baby.
- What?! - I knew you'd be all "what?"
- How? - I knew you'd be all "how?"
Bridget, tell me you didn't leave him in the car again?
I was upstairs giving him a time-out in his room.
- Oh, was he being a bad sack of flour? - You have no idea.
- I went back upstairs and he was gone. - He must be around here somewhere.
You don't just lose a baby, do you, Paul?
- Once. I lost Kerry once. - What?!
No... It was in the department store. I was trying on hats,
and you sorta crawled off. We found you later in the housewares department.
You'd curled up inside a salad bowl. It was the cutest thing.
- You had to be there. - Apparently, I was.
Oh, my God! Thank goodness, you're safe! Kidnapper.
I was just giving him a face. I got tired of guessing his mood.
- Give it. - Don't hurt the boy!
Never hurt the boy.
- You lost me? - Oh, honey, we didn't lose you.
- He lost you. - [oven timer chimes]
- My cookies are ready. - Wait, Rory, you're baking cookies?
Big cookies.
Man cookies.
Cookies with nuts.
[Cate yawning]
- Paul? Do you know what time it is? - Two AM.
- Bridget finished feeding the baby. - Yeah, I can see that.
Beach. Wake up, honey. Come on. It's late.
Oh, OK.
- Wait, the baby! - I got it.
Paul, you're not supposed to do her work for her.
Well, no, it's just that she's so tired, and she's got that pre-zit.
Look at us, Cate, up late with the baby again. How many times did we do this?
- Oh... A million. - Yeah.
Two. Sure seemed like it.
Yeah.
Boy, they were so beautiful then. And bald.
And we got to pick their friends.
And they'd look up at us with pure love.
You know what I'm thinking?
What do you say we try for another one?
Hmm?
We'll talk.
OK. Who do you think is cuter: Hunter or Brad?
OK, what about Charlie or Connor?
OK, now here's the really big one: Brad or Charlie?
Me too. I just love Ashley. We can talk about anything.
Bridget's getting good with the baby.
I remember when you could do all that stuff holding her and Kerry.
Yeah, while you watched football and drank beer.
At least I never dropped the beer.
- What?! - You know, I'll tell you something.
This project takes me back to when they were little,
crawling, laughing, you know, making those little cooing sounds.
Yeah, and the crib was made of chocolate.
Yeah!
Can I borrow the car? I wanna go see Dana's band.
What about little Jimmy Breslin there?
Like you're not all naming it too, right?
Fine. I'll drop it off at its grandparents'.
- No! - No.
Bridget, the baby never goes away.
Unless you lose it in the men's department.
- An hour later we found you. - An hour?!
Look, the point is, it's not always fun.
- Well, what if I got a babysitter? - No.
Paul, wait.
You know, if you can find a babysitter for Saturday night,
that you trust to do everything that you would do,
then that's being a responsible parent, and you can go out.
Just find a babysitter? That's it? [scoffs] No problem.
[groans] That is the fourth person who said no.
You find out who your friends are when you ask to watch your sack of flour.
- Kerry? - No way. I'm too busy.
But I'm an unwed mother. It takes a village.
Yeah, well, this villager's busy baking all night.
OK, fine. I'll find somebody else. God.
Kerry, feel.
Is Benicio Del Toro getting lighter?
No, you're probably getting stronger.
- Really? 'Cause I don't feel stronger. - I love your hair.
It turned out great, didn't it?
OK, Care Bear, we're off to the movies.
Wow. Look at this. You might change the world after all.
- Stop it. - Oh, I couldn't be prouder.
- I'm just blown away. - Yeah, we don't need to get popcorn.
Hey!
But what's a movie without popcorn?
- [doorbell rings] - That's Kyle. I gotta go.
- Kyle? I thought you weren't going out. - We're not. He just drives.
Then we go separate ways, hook up and he drives me home.
Isn't that what you did when you were dating?
No. When we were dating, he drove me places, then we went our separate ways,
we hooked up at the end and then he drove me home. It's different.
Yeah, God, Mom!
- What are you gonna do with Jimmy? - Don't worry. I got a sitter.
What loser has nothing better to do on a Saturday?
Thanks for the dough, Bridget.
Don't worry about a thing. The baby's in good hands.
Isn't that right, Frodo?
- Oh, look, it's Mr. Absentee Father. - Oh, stop calling me that.
You're the reason we're stuck with this baby.
- It was an easy A. - Yeah, easy for you.
"Come on, Bridget, let's take that class. Everybody's doing it."
- You wanted it just as bad as I did! - So now it's always the girl's fault.
- I didn't say that. - No guys will look at me
because I'm carrying your sack of flour.
- The best assignment ever. - Yeah!
[clicking teeth]
- What? - Nothing.
[sighs deeply]
It's just that you're supposed to sift the flour so it doesn't get too packed
and you don't wind up with dry cookies, like your last batch.
Some people like them crunchy.
Oh, my God!
- You got shell in it! - So? I'll get it out. God!
Not with your fingers! I can't believe you!
Just... get out of my kitchen!
- How was the concert? - Pretty good.
Yeah. Dana's band wrote this new song, Light My Fire.
- Nice try, Dana. - Yeah.
- Hey, Bridget. - Hi.
So how did Uncle Rory do babysitting?
Uncle Rory. That's funny, Grandma H.
What did you call me?
So, Rory, where's the baby?
First of all, the important thing is I'm OK.
And we're relieved... for now. Go on.
Well, I was jonesing for a slushie, so we skate down to the market.
You know, where the owner hates Dad?
He calls me Mr. Need A Penny.
All of a sudden, these giant biker guys walk in.
They're all, "Look at the kid with the bag of flour."
I'm all, "Look at the stupid biker guys with no necks and German army helmets."
Turns out the bikers can dish it out, but they can't take it.
So they started chasing me, and I dropped Frodo.
- Rory! - The important thing is I'm OK.
Now I'm gonna flunk and it's all his fault. I'm gonna kill him!
Cate, it is 11:35. It's still Saturday. Pay up.
Twenty-five minutes, that dollar would have been mine.
Come on!
You both bet I couldn't do it?
Bridget, it's not like it sounds. It's, uh...
[knock on door]
Bridget, we're really sorry.
Yeah, that was completely insensitive of us.
What? You were right.
I can't even keep a sack of flour alive. I'm a terrible fake mother.
No, you're not. You're a kid in high school just doing her homework.
Bottom line, it was just a sack of flour.
And you're gonna be a great mom.
Yeah, when the time comes, years from now, decades even.
No, I won't.
You took this more seriously than either of us thought you would.
Yeah, honey, you actually did so well, I could see you with a real baby.
Whoa, Cate, pump the brakes, all right?
But your mom... Your mom is right. You did a great job.
I'm gonna check off all the boxes.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
- So I'll get my A? - Uh-huh.
- I'll qualify for the Washington trip? - I guess so.
Alrighty, then.
She's not the deepest well, is she?
For a nanosecond I thought she was into having the baby.
I think that was you.
Cate, it was so easy to know what they needed back then.
You and I were their whole world.
Well, you mostly, 'cause you had a leg up on the bonding
because of your equipment.
Getting up to nurse crying babies all night.
Yeah, I got the better end of that deal.
I remember I used to come into their rooms and just stare at them for hours.
That was before they were old enough to say, well,
"Get out of my room."
Honey, it's natural to have those feelings.
I have them sometimes, too.
But then I tell myself not to spend too much time thinking
about how wonderful they were that I miss how wonderful they are now.
- So that's a no on the baby thing? - Oh, yeah.
Besides, how could we possibly top the ones we've got?
- They are pretty terrific. - [Bridget] Rory, I'm gonna kill you!
- [Rory] Ow, ow! I can explain. - A dollar says she takes him.
Why don't I just give you the money?
What was Benicio doing in the trash?
OK. I didn't lose the baby quite the way I told Mom and Dad.
Murderer!
I started out doing everything just like you said.
Just hear me out. Everything started out fine.
I was sitting there, pretending to give him his bottle.
Well, I had milk in one hand and flour in the other,
and the thought came to me: Eggs.
And maybe just a dash of vanilla.
I was only gonna take one scoop. But then I took another and another...
No, wait. You were taking scoops of flour? I was taking scoops of flour.
- I knew he was losing weight! - Before you hurt us, think of this:
Frodo gave of himself so that others might live.
Circle of life.
So you really think it was a success?
Only if you consider raising a lot of money and having a great time doing it
- a success. - What a turnout you got from school.
I'm just incredibly proud of you. Rory, your sister was amazing.
- You should have seen her. - Oh, really?
You should have seen the dinner I made... an hour ago.
When you said you'd be home.
Well, we're here now.
Rory Hennessy does not serve cold lasagna.